ok. so have you ever had one of those moments when you're like "SHIT! what do i do?!?!" yeah.... story of my life for the last 24 hours....
fun times... rooftops and college campus.... watching drunk people... talking to a friend from high school... and a security guard kicking me out of a courtyard for sitting on a bench wrong....hahahahahahahaha

and then stuff just happens. and you go with it. next thing you know it's morning and you're trying not to speed all the way home. pull in the drive, and you think you've been sneaky until you get asked "why are you up so early??" crap. if you know me AT ALL you know that i am not a morning person. and to have me be awake at 6am is NOT normal if i have a choice....
now there's like this trust issue, and i have to pretend like everything's ok. i don't know who to talk to about this...cuz i need to talk this out. WHERE'S SHELBY?!!?!?!??!?!?!?! oh yeah. utah. :/

and now i don't know what to say to my friend from high school.... shit. i don't want this to be awkward but i'm making it awkward! i mean, WHAT DO YOU SAY?!?!

and this whole experience reminds me of my trip to thatcher and the little episode at the county fair. where again, i don't want it to be awkward but i'm unsure how to react to people (specific person) and that kinda stuff. UGH i'm so frustrated with myself....
where's mitch? :(

i hurt, i heal..... (you jerk)

why are we so afraid of love?

people always make jokes about mormons and how they get married young and have short engagements and all that jazz. but really, isn't that kinda a good thing?
either you know it's right, or you don't. and the unknown is what scares people.

now. i'm not one of those girls who will know someone for a month, get engaged for another month and get married. that's not my style. i actually want to know the person that i will tie myself to for eternity, better than i could know them in only a couple of months.

and this last summer, i had a wonderful person start to show me how to have a REAL, fun, functional relationship.  he taught me how to feel more emotion when dating someone. how to trust.

and i still have problems with my self confidence, trust, jealousy, and being scared to be in a relationship that might actually go somewhere.... but at least i have more self respect. so thank you zach.

i'm scared of marriage. that's right, i said it! because falling in love and getting married is the great unknown for me.
but i do want that person. that one person that will love me forever as much as i love him. i want to wake up everyday grateful to be laying next to the man that will be with me for eternity. i want to fall more in love with my husband each day. i want to grow old in love, have fun, have adventures, have a family....

i'm moving to provo, utah. and people tend to get married in that particular city......a lot....
and i am NOT moving there to get married. because quite honestly i'm not ready. i have discovered more about myself in the last year, then i have in my entire life. and i think there's more to learn. and i want a career. a good one.... and i am ready to put in the effort,
i'm scared as hell. are you kidding?! who wouldn't be afraid to be making a big move, a state away from "home", making sure that everything is lined up for school. getting ready to grow up, and attend a real university..... and making sure that the major/program that i've picked will lead me to a career that i love doing each day.

i want adventures....hence my summer in Alaska
i want to go to school....my cna course starts november 1st
i want a career.....i want to go to WSU
i want to fall in love.........................................hahaha yeah we'll see how that works out ;)

i love my friends here in tucson, and i will miss my family SO MUCH. but i need to move on, and i need to get out there in the world and figure myself out.

i am not sheltered anymore.
i need to stop being angry. i'm hurting, but i'm healing.
i really care about you. and even though you may not care about me, i will be ok. i don't need to talk to you, and quite frankly i don't need you. i have grown stronger because of all the hell you have put me through. so thank you for being a jerk i guess....haha

it's my time. i will win. and no one will stand in the way of me accomplishing my goals. TAKE THAT! have fun being stuck in thatcher......

interesting...

i find it interesting how my life has changed. how i have changed a lot with it.

i look back at my previous posts, and i realize that i was kinda depressed. and i stopped writing for a while, well since april the semester has ended and i have moved to alaska for the summer. random i know, but i needed to get away from arizona and break some ties.
and i am so glad that i broke them. i am a better person because of it actually. which actually makes me kinda sad, but i'm honestly not that torn up about it.

this summer has been hard. so far away from everyone except for shelby, who keeps me sane, and i've had a lot of tough lessons to learn.
i lost my grandfather this summer, and that was really hard. i had to learn how to cope with death for the first time. and i think that was because this was the first death of someone that was really close to me. and i have discovered that i don't cope very well. with pretty much anything emotional, but at least i'm learning right?! :)

my mother has also been in the hospital a lot lately. and that was tough being so far away and unable to help or do ANYTHING and not really knowing what was going on was the hardest part i think....
but she's doing better now so it's ok

now. i was actually in a relationship this summer! shocker right?! hahaha
his name was Zach. and he taught me so much about faith. and about how to deal with different trials and tests in life. and he doesn't realize it, but he really taught me a lot about how to be in a relationship. he was the first return missionary that i've dated. and i realized that it's hard to date someone that is actually doing what's right in their life! and that potential marriage scares me. which, is understandable. but i think that it was good for me to date someone that actually would think about the future, in an eternal perspective and not just drifting from day to day.
i mean, think about who i've dated the last 2 years..... ha. yeah....
he taught me how to care about someone without feeling like i had to carry them upwards. i usually feel like i have to support and carry people through everything in life. and he was the first one that was actually taking care of ME! and it felt nice for a change. and i have learned a lot. so thank you zachary :)

oh. and did i mention one of the best parts of my summer?? MY BEST FRIEND GOT BACK FROM HIS MISSION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and i am so happy! i actually have talked to him on the phone, heard his voice, heard more about iceland.... the only sad part is that he'll be back in idaho before i'll be back in arizona! :( which is actually quite sad, but it's ok! it's not like i won't see him at christmas right?! interesting fact:  i told him that i was so excited and that i had missed him  A LOT on the phone when he first called me. and he asked "why?"  ummmmmm.....because you're my best friend silly! we used to hang out and talk all. the. time.!! of course i missed you like crazy! and i wrote you CONSTANTLY! lol that should have been a good indication. also, the fact that i was almost in tears when you called me was a pretty clear indication that i missed you :)

anyways,
i saw the northern lights for the first time last night. and it was AMAZING! in it's kinda funny that it gave me a new outlook on life, and a new hope. and i'm so grateful for that! i feel so much better about my summer! like maybe this wasn't all a waste, and that i'm not a complete screw up.

yay!

:)
life is good. i miss going to school (it feels weird hearing about everyone else starting school and i'm still working). i'm staying positive!
:)

I wish that i could formulate my thoughts and feelings into words

i have this amazing friend. i will call him m.
m and i have been friends for a while now. and we have been through a lot together.
and over the past year, i have been VERY confused as to what my feelings are for him.  i love hearing just about how his day went, or something funny that happened, watching a movie together, when he tickles me to death, when he teases me, when he laughs at my blonde moments, when he holds me when i cry, and even when he's calling me a dumb girl.

we were friends for about a year before the summer of 2010 came, and there had been a build up of sexual tension between us. and i didn't know what to do about it, so i figured that i'd let him kinda take the lead and then go with the flow.  i was starting to have "more then a friend" feelings about him.  well, he invited me over to watch a movie near the end-ish part of the summer (ice age 3), and we ended up kissing. i liked it, a lot.
but you see....
there was this problem.... there was another girl. i knew that he liked her, and i wanted him to be happy. and originally i liked them together a lot, until things changed.  the biggest part of this problem was that i KNEW that i didn't stand a chance against her.  she was gorgeous, spoke spanish, had this kick-ass attitude, the confidence, the fashion sense, the flexibility and grace, sense of humor, fun personality, and was just generally an awesome person.
knowing that i didn't have a snowball's chance in hell, and the fact that i REALLY didn't want to lose the awesome brother-sister/best friend relationship that we had....i let it go. i wanted him to be happy, and if she could make him happier then i could, then they should totally be together right?

then the semester started. and i had a new roommate move in, this girl who had graduated early. and i got that rebellious, and to be totally honest skank vibe from her. i was right, and she had even admitted to it before the first day she moved in was over. so i asked m if he could PLEASE not go after her or hook up with her or whatever. and he promised that he wouldn't. and to be completely honest i told her to back off too...
now, i understand that things happen. and they did. and i know that he did feel bad about breaking that promise. but it hurt so badly....not only the broken promises, but not only had i lost him to the girl over the summer but to my new roommate too!  the dumb bitch knew the situation, obviously she didn't really get it though because of the shit that went down. (this is why high school students shouldn't graduate early)

the year continues, and because i had basically given up on having any sort of chance, i decided to let another guy (i'll call him t) into my heart. he was being sweet, and he knew what to say, and i was confused and i felt like a freaking ping pong ball going back and forth trying to figure out who i had feelings for.
at this point me and m were still hanging out quite a bit, and i ended up going over to his house to watch general conference. i ended up falling asleep in his arms, which i loved because i always felt safe and loved. and then here's the part that just kills me as to how completely stupid i am...
while i was sleeping, i remember waking up and him kissing me. and it wasn't one of those "i want some action" kisses. no...it was one of those sweet, caring, beautiful ones. i THINK that i responded, but i was so tired that i was only half awake so i fell back asleep.
well after conference was over, i got a phone call from t. and he invited me over to his house to hang out, and m ended up being the one that dropped me off. and i couldn't figure out why m was acting so upset/angry. and when i asked him i got the "nothing, i'm fine" response. but at this point, i wasn't sure if i'd dreamed the kiss or something, and then add on top of that t was being SUPER flirty and sweet.
so basically i unintentionally ended up choosing t (complete jerk) over m (sweet guy).

i didn't realize this however, until i found m's blog. MAJOR props to me for THAT one by the way! i have to admit that i'm pretty proud of finding it without ANY help at all :) ha!
and in one of m's posts, it talks about one of the times we kissed. the third time actually... and it says that it felt different for him that time. that it was more then just enjoying it, and that he was going to suppress any feelings  that might have been developing because i promised himself that he would never fall in love again. and that he'd never seen it coming....

well ever since the incident with my new roommate, we've gradually been drifting apart. and it sucks! things are not completely his fault though. i totally accept responsibility for letting this other person basically control my life and all of it's time. and m ended up getting the worst out of that decision, which i STILL feel terrible about.
but i think what REALLY was the last straw with things is when he started hanging out with this girl katie.
i. do. not. like. her. at. ALL!!! she really is NOT nice, she's a 2 faced bitch that needs an attitude adjustment. can she be nice? sure. i guess everybody has potential....
but she was m's friend, and so i had to try and keep an open mind when all i really wanted was to kill the damn slut. did he know how she was and that it was a fling? yes. but does that mean that she treated him well? hell to the fuck no. she treated him like shit, and was a complete bitch! HE'S EVEN SAID SO.
ugh. and she always gives me this attitude and i just want to slap it off her damn smug face.  and one of the things that i tried to do, was give the benefit of a doubt for this girl. because m said that she really was different, and that once you "really get to know her, she's not the bitch that she generally comes off as"
ha.
bullshit. point 1 for heather, cuz she was right!

well tonight i had promised to go to the choir concert, but m texted me and wanted to watch a movie. and because i miss him so badly, and we haven't hung out or really talked (when i wasn't in tears) in forever i jumped at the chance! i was so excited!
we went over to his place, and i picked out a new movie that neither one of us had seen.... and then he mentioned that he had a tape of his senior year swim and wrestling stuff! and i've wanted to see him really wrestle for soooo long! and i had a BLAST watching him do what he loved, and he taught me some of the "wresting lingo/moves" and stuff , and it was just awesome!
we ended up putting in the movie a couple hours later, and just layed on the couch watching the movie... and he would tickle me and we were just goofing around, and it was just like old times :') i loved it.
well,
then he ended up going for the turn on spot...aka my hips. and he was teasing me, and i didn't know what to do because i was happy and it'd been forever since he'd even touched me. i mean, i'd get an occasional hug...but for some reason it was like i had the plague. he didn't have a problem being physical with any of my roommates though when he would come over, and i have to admit that it hurt and i was really jealous.
so i didn't fight him that much, even though i know that it's stupid to even hope for anything, because i know that he likes this other pretty redhead. fml.

anyways,
it got to the point where i told him not to start anything that he didn't want, because i wanted to kiss him. and he was being all funny and i couldn't tell what he wanted! so i asked him. and i think that i confused him....idk.
well it was that moment that i really realized that i hadn't had a guy be close to me that didn't want something in FOREVER.... since m "back in the day"
because if it's joel giving me a massage, or t wanting to "talk", or bryan wanting to rebound, or wes being horny....every guy that i've let get close to me has only wanted a piece of ass.

and when i fully realized this, i freaking got all emotional because i realized that m didn't want anything other then to have fun (i think). and it hurt. and it just kinda brought back all of those bad decisions with t and everything... and i started effing crying. I HATE CRYING!!!! ugh
well i tried to hide that i was crying, and i actually did "ok" at hiding it for a good, idk 5 mins...? until i let out a little sniffle, and m totally called me out on it.
and then he told me to talk to him, and i tried to....i told him about how guys always wanted something if they got close to me.... but there was NO way that i could just tell him everything that i'd been feeling....even thought i wanted to soooo badly.
and i brought up the kiss over general conference weekend, and asked him if he'd actually kissed me, or if i had been just dreaming. and he said that he didn't remember.
but i just have this feeling that it was real, and that i didn't imagine it...

i wish that i could tell him everything that i've been thinking and feeling.... it's so frustrating that i find it so hard to let people in emotionally. it's one of the things that i can't stand about myself. and trust me, that list of things i can't stand about me is pretty long, but i think that's in the top 3.
to me, crying and showing emotions is weak. i hate being weak.
but lately, i feel like all i've been is weak, undesirable, confused, and depressed.
help....
m, i miss you and i want you back.
love always,
Heather

You dull my mind and ensnare the senses...

Struggling to break free
i'm trapped, but the thing that makes it worse, is that i can't see
Tears have blinded me, and they never cease to fall
But my hands are tied, and i can't wipe you away to clear my vision.

The loss of one, gives me super-powers for my other senses

The touch sends shudders through my body.
i can't think
my breath comes in gasps

I hear the moan, and the sound goes straight to my heart
Nails scrape on fabric, the scream comes from the cloth instead of through my lips
my Heart is pounding almost through my chest.

i think you can hear it too, the rhythm is thrown off and the melody has changed.
nothing is consonant, all there is is dissonance in the sound.

The taste is unexpected.
Mostly sweet.
Not what i thought it was going to be like.
and the warmth fills my entire body as you try to gasp for air.

oxygen is in short supply.
but i have the feeling that you will get it all.
because no matter how hard i try,
you still steal my breath away.

oh the funny moments...

awesome things are going on.... and then we've got the rest.

however i noticed that i'm negative a lot on this thing, and even though i'm the only one that reads it....eh might as well try and be more positive!

so over spring break i went to the doctor for a check up and all that jazz.... and she decided to leave me a present on the table.  she'd given me a little pile of condoms! hahaha and they came in these little boxes that were for "endangered species awareness"  and one of my favorites was this one that says "HUMP SMARTER SAVE THE SNAIL DARTER!" apparently the snail darter is this little endangered fish, just in case you were wondering.... lol i laughed so hard!

on a different note, i am totally KICKING some SERIOUS @$$ in my medical terminology class! i mean i am getting like 96 and 97% on my tests! and i understand it, and i remember it even AFTER the test! and i finish all of the tests in 5 mins....literally.

things are going well with my roommates.....

i'm still the 5th wheel. which sucks.

So i have this friend, and i'm really worried about him. and me and this guy have known each other for a while now, and we have a bit of a history.  but lately he hasn't really talked to me about anything, but i know that neither of us have been doing very well.  and apparently he's taking up chewing tobacco. first of all, ew. but other then that, i wish that he would just talk to me. and i wish that i have the guts to talk to him about stuff that i've been thinking about a LOT lately.... and i think that if i actually told him, he might think i was being preachy. even though that's the LAST thing that i want to do....

i love him. i'm not IN love with him, but i care about what happens to him. and i want him to get what he wants out of life. and i want him to be happy, and find real joy.

i just wish that he would talk to me........

serious questions

so there have been some things going down that are giving me a lot to think about.

why is it that every guy friend i have seems to disappear? i don't understand what's so bad about me.  like i try to help and whatever, and if there's a problem it's just my personality to try and solve it.

there are some friends that i've always been able to talk to. but now suddenly that's changed.

now there's one of them that i can kinda understand, and that IS partially my fault because i keep hooking up with him. my bad.

but the other one was like my brother. and we don't talk anymore. and it really hurts when he goes to give my roommate a hug first. and i know that part of it is that i'm jealous. but i honestly don't know what i did wrong.... and when i asked him what happened he told me that it was mostly him, but that part of it was that i would get jealous when he would talk about other girls.

now here's the thing, the reason i would get jealous is because i was battling feelings for him. so of course i'm going to get jealous.  but i must say that i've been a LOT better about it. but things haven't really changed.

and i realize that i'm a dumb girl. and i apologize for that.... but i just wish things could go back to how they were. when he wasn't afraid to just hold me and comfort me. he was a big part of my foundation.... i could go to him with anything. and he's really smart and has legit views on things...he makes sense.

maybe i leaned on him too much? maybe i drove him away.  i almost wish that i'd never kissed him. maybe THAT's what messed things up.  but everything seemed to be ok until his friend "k" showed up.  i don't really understand that, but whatever. and it kinda makes me not like her, even though i never really liked her in the first place, but trust me i've been trying to be very open-minded about her.

***

and what makes me so horrible to date? i don't understand how guys can just hit it and quit it... i have never even kissed a guy that i didn't at least have SOME feelings for.....

and then there's this one guy that i have kept coming back to for 2 years.  and it was pointed out to me that the only reason that i like him is because he supplies hook-ups. and i kinda disagree with this. i liked him when we were just friends and could talk about anything. and when i can't talk to him, it sucks.... and i just feel like i have no one.
this is the most alone that i have felt in a LONG time. and i'm not really sure how to fix it.

i realize that i'm not perfect. but i'm tired of being treated like a whore. why can't i ever have a say in this relationship THING?! do i ever get to call HIM for a hook up? why the hell not?! at least make this fair you bastard.

get a @#$%ing clue already damn it.

so some people in this world think that i'm a slut. and maybe they're right. people can think whatever they want to.  and there are some people out there that think that i just kiss them because that it's all lust or whatever.

well guess what.

i've only kissed like 5 people in my entire life. so call that number a slut? ha.
i know people in their 20s 50s and even like 60s. so get off my damn back.
and it's not like i'm sleeping around. good lord. i'm a virgin people!

and I might think that i'm a slut, but i know what's in my heart and no one else does.  i have never kissed a guy that i haven't had feelings for AT THAT TIME.

i guess that all of this valentine's day shit is getting to me. ugh.... what a horrible holiday. i never have anyone for this damn day. does it bother me? maybe. just a little....

oh. and another thing..... I HATE BEING SET UP. i can't even express how much i hate it.  matchmaking is only fun for the matchmaker when it comes to me.  i've had "help" that has blown up in my face, or screwed me over, or honestly the timing is just WRONG.

no one else can tell me who to like, or who to date, or anything like that.  and thinking that you can change me is bullshit. and you should know me well enough by now to know that it won't work.

i am who i am. i like who i like. i will forgive even when i don't want to because that's what i believe is right. i will date who i want to, and WHEN i want to.

did you ever stop and think that maybe i wasn't ready to date? did you ever stop and think that maybe i didn't WANT to date all of your old boyfriends/friends. no you didn't.
maybe you thought that it would make me happier? well in that case i appreciate the gesture, but no thank you. i'll handle this myself, MY WAY. and when i've healed.
you can't live through me.
and you can't force me. ha.... THAT method has always failed

dating will not magically heal the hurt in my heart. sorry to disappoint you.

no one can figure out your life for you, so please stop trying to write my story.

i listen, watch, and feel...as the world sleeps around me. alone....

walking on a tight rope, and i'm good at it
so high, i can touch the stars
and use the moon for light like it's daytime
dancing on that thin wire, free, smiling, loving
watching as the world sleeps

there's a snap
the once secured wire lashes out across my chest as i fall
and suddenly i'm falling faster then the blood can flow

time slows, and i look around.
familiar faces...each one different as i descend to earth
a pair of eyes watch me fall. like freezing ice
but a surprising shade of brown that captivates me as i'm flailing
a pair of hands reach out, but they don't really bother trying to catch me
a bruise appears, the shape of the hands

next a face attached with loving arms, reaches up
more strength this time, clawing to try to hold on and defy gravity
skin is lost, more blood now
but still i rocket to the ground

more faces more faces more faces....
they all pass.
every time more effort. but it just destroys me before the ground can have a chance
bones break
blood flows freely
pieces from my chest are lost.
from the left, where the vital organ lies.
or it did, before.....

the only pain i feel is from my chest wounds
my eyes are clear
my ears perfect
i can see, hear, and feel

release. i wish for it.
but i'm not ready
i'm not ready
i'm not ready
i can't let go, not yet.
where is he???

i see my last familiar face
my last chance.
hands touch
eyes meet
the world goes quiet
locked in a solid grip.
calming, reassuring, safe.
yet again brown eyes, but this time different.
different face, and nothing is frozen there
trust
hope
pray
believe, that he might save me.

i believe i believe i believe
i have to
i'm not ready for this to by my grande finale
i want to keep dancing.
the songs of my heart have not been heard!
and one hand was all it took to stop time

i force myself to break the eye contact.
i look down at my mangled body
it's gone.
all those pieces added up.
the hole is black, something so vital
i have nothing left to give

tears stream from my eyes and i look back up
i'm dangling from one hand
a beautiful, strong, confident one.
but i can't
i'm not sure if it's real.
what if the face is a ghost
the trust, the hope, the believing...
i let go
i let go of it all

horrified, the beautiful brown eyes watch
i love you
i love you
i love you
i'm sorry.

i make contact with the ground
i don't feel the pain anymore
the link to the pain is gone
replaced by a hole
the dust settles and fills it.

i am done

i lost.

was he a ghost? maybe.
but what if i chose to let go,
and i was wrong?
it felt right to believe in him. it really did.
i think i was wrong.
i usually am.
and all i see is that loving face
with those brown wonderful eyes,
as i slip into my eternal slumber
i'm sorry.

oh yeah!!!

so i totally forgot that i was gonna post about my dream last night!

ok. so in my dream i was making a trip from Tucson back to Thatcher, and shelby was with me because we'd just gotten back from mexico and we had a blast! now. for some reason, i didn't ride in the car with shelby home... but i had bought an AWESOME blue crotch rocket in mexico for a screamin' deal!

so i drove around Thatcher, because we suddenly appeared there, and i looked so hott! lol :)
and for some reason, i was in black skinny jeans, a blue halter top, and this cute black leather jacket! talk about an awesome outfit!!! ;)

all the boys were jealous....cuz my motorcyle had BALLS!!! so fast.......


sigh, i wish that i actually had it.......

anyways, this is where my dream gets weird.....

for some reason, me and shelby kept having to kill these HUGE snakes, but we had to either shoot them, or kill them with these sword things.... shelby used the sword, and i had some awesome guns to shoot!  lol and we were GOOD AT IT! so shelby and i rocketed around on my motorcycle...defending thatcher from snakes.... lol they were poisonous by the way....

and then i woke up, and i had 2 more dreams...but we won't go into those..... because one of them is the nightmare that keeps coming back, and the other one is a new one dealing with a cruise to iceland.....

my life is like....wtf???

so wicked was AMAZING!!!!! :) the vocalists were awesome, the script was sooo funny, and i LOVE the way that it tied into "the wizard of oz" story! so so good!  and i absolutely LOVE the friend that took me to see it! and i am VERY grateful....he's the best!  it was even funny when he was making fun of me during the play lol because i would get VERY enthusiastic when clapping after every song, he'd mimic me hahaha and he'd laugh... but not in a mean way, so it's all good.

i saw the movie "IT" for the first time....wow. lame. long. boring. clowns that end up being aliens. and that's all you need to know lol :)

boys are still dumb, but i'm not being ignored anymore!!! :) yay!!!

i had the BEST day on tuesday.... i started ballet, which hurt like @#$% but was so much fun! i missed dance so much...it was a dark semester when i didn't have dance....

a friend that had been ignoring me for a LONG time finally talked to me, and it was really nice...i missed it

medical terminology was awesome too! i think that my professor is super cool! he's not one of those assholes who will keep you in a loooong class the whole 3 hours just because he can.

SPEAKING OF TEACHERS! i absolutely HATE my math teacher!!! he makes me so mad! i finished all of the homework for January on the FIRST DAY OF CLASS. and he KNOWS that i'm bored out of my mind, and yet he won't give me the homework in advance, so that i could at least work on SOMETHING! damn. what a DERP!

by the way derp= a clever combination of every insult you can imagine :)

and one other bad thing that happened. my ipod died. eff my life..........idk how i'm going to function now.... it's worked today so far...but it's been shutting off randomly and wont' turn on for a while

and the battery is charged so......

so there you go. so super good things, and some super bad.

hence the "wtf"

lol

First day

so the first day of classes went really well :) and guess what?! i'm not stressed out!!! :) and i actually kinda feel sorta happy.....

life is going pretty good...

OH!!! an AWESOME thing has happened! mitch is going to take me to see wicked this weekend!!!!!!! and i am so excited! :) :) :) i've wanted to see wicked live, for literally YEARS! totally stoked....

and i just found out that i got a letter from iceland today!!!!!! :D the only sad thing is that i have to wait for my mom to forward it to me :/ lol but i waited this long, i suppose a few days more of knowing for SURE that it's coming won't be too bad to handle :)

thatcher tomorrow!

new roommate plus the 2 awesome ones i've got! :) =exciting!

new bed= no squeaking! or rolling around! or falling off!!! (because of bed rolling)

new major= less stress and less complaining about life and music!

new haircut= less likely to randomly dye or cut or pierce something, as well as new mindset

new faith= probably more trials, but at least i know that i can get through it

new semester= new classes

8 am class= guarantees pajamas in that class pretty much everyday

new schedule= more time to utilize emotional outlets

new goals= happy heather

new start on life.....
sounds pretty good to me!!! i'm just glad that i have this chance :)

new summer? well. we'll just have to see won't we? ;) <3

Happy New Year?

well 2011 is here now...
everyone is all psyched that it's a new year, a new start, time to make changes, time to have better luck, time for life to get better....

but does time passing make life better? or is this just wishful thinking....?

people put in more effort when it's the beginning of the year, they stick to their new diet, or exercise routine, new job, new attitude, new friends and goals.... but what happens when the high of the ball dropping (haha) dies down? people give up. and all of those new things go out the window. like it never even happened.

that's what happened to me last year. i thought that 2010 was going to be great! i'd just had an awesome time in vegas, i was dating a guy who treated me right, and i thought that i knew what i wanted in life.

but just look how i'm starting 2011.  single, tired, worried, stressed over school, worrying about my roommates and just hoping that this semester will be at least a little bit better.  things really sucked this fall.  i love my roommates, they're awesome :) things can be like, strained sometimes...but they really are awesome girls and both have taught me a lot. i worry about them though. like, what kind of person am i being? am i being a good enough friend? am i there for them? do they know how much i really care? cuz i care a LOT... and i don't want to drag them down. and i kinda feel like that's what i did this fall... now i know that you can't save people from getting hurt, but i'm the kinda person who likes to fix things.

i haven't done such a good job of fixing myself though.  and if i've done this to myself, maybe i'm not helping the people i love, but actually making things worse?

and that guy i was dating a year ago? things fell apart. and i think that it was my fault.  but the problem is that i don't really understand what i keep doing wrong.  i've driven away every guy that's been important in my life.  Tommy won't talk to me anymore and i don't know why.  Mitch doesn't really talk to me anymore and that really sucks.  and Justin and i don't talk, and now i almost try to avoid him. and Tony is in iceland serving a mission and so i don't really get to talk to him.  i haven't gotten a letter in a while, and i hate feeling needy.  but i absolutely LOVE that he's on a mission, cuz he loves it there and it's really important to him and to God.

the thing is, that i feel like i'm always getting hurt, but i don't know what to stop doing. cuz it's not like i can just stop caring. ha. i've tried....

i just want this new year not to suck so much.  i don't want to be angry, and stressed, and lied to, and lead on, and i don't want to feel stuck or like i'm just waiting for things to get better and they never will.  i'm so sick of things not going right.
i think that now that i have a new major things will be more fun in life. it'll still be a lot of hard work, and i think that i'm ready for the change.
i just want to feel like i'm not stuck anymore, and that i'm actually being successful.

and i know that i'm not really talking to anyone on this thing, cuz no one actually will read or like comment haahahaha but i guess it makes me feel better to have my own space where i can speak exactly what is on my mind. lol i never really understood why people had blogs until i actually made one.... but i guess it's like a faster version of a diary.

i've had a lot of friends get married or engaged lately. am i jealous of them? well yeah, they've found someone that is perfect for them. that loves them.  like, REAL love.
and i want to find that. right now? no, probably not. but i want to live my life, in a way that will make it so that when i finally find what i'm looking for, i'll know.  because if i'm too stressed out, or distracted....i'm afraid that i'll miss it.

and what if that's my only chance?

so will this be a happy new year??? i sure hope so.... but at least now i've learned, that I'M the only one that can make it a happy and successful year.