i have this amazing friend. i will call him m.
m and i have been friends for a while now. and we have been through a lot together.
and over the past year, i have been VERY confused as to what my feelings are for him. i love hearing just about how his day went, or something funny that happened, watching a movie together, when he tickles me to death, when he teases me, when he laughs at my blonde moments, when he holds me when i cry, and even when he's calling me a dumb girl.
we were friends for about a year before the summer of 2010 came, and there had been a build up of sexual tension between us. and i didn't know what to do about it, so i figured that i'd let him kinda take the lead and then go with the flow. i was starting to have "more then a friend" feelings about him. well, he invited me over to watch a movie near the end-ish part of the summer (ice age 3), and we ended up kissing. i liked it, a lot.
but you see....
there was this problem.... there was another girl. i knew that he liked her, and i wanted him to be happy. and originally i liked them together a lot, until things changed. the biggest part of this problem was that i KNEW that i didn't stand a chance against her. she was gorgeous, spoke spanish, had this kick-ass attitude, the confidence, the fashion sense, the flexibility and grace, sense of humor, fun personality, and was just generally an awesome person.
knowing that i didn't have a snowball's chance in hell, and the fact that i REALLY didn't want to lose the awesome brother-sister/best friend relationship that we had....i let it go. i wanted him to be happy, and if she could make him happier then i could, then they should totally be together right?
then the semester started. and i had a new roommate move in, this girl who had graduated early. and i got that rebellious, and to be totally honest skank vibe from her. i was right, and she had even admitted to it before the first day she moved in was over. so i asked m if he could PLEASE not go after her or hook up with her or whatever. and he promised that he wouldn't. and to be completely honest i told her to back off too...
now, i understand that things happen. and they did. and i know that he did feel bad about breaking that promise. but it hurt so badly....not only the broken promises, but not only had i lost him to the girl over the summer but to my new roommate too! the dumb bitch knew the situation, obviously she didn't really get it though because of the shit that went down. (this is why high school students shouldn't graduate early)
the year continues, and because i had basically given up on having any sort of chance, i decided to let another guy (i'll call him t) into my heart. he was being sweet, and he knew what to say, and i was confused and i felt like a freaking ping pong ball going back and forth trying to figure out who i had feelings for.
at this point me and m were still hanging out quite a bit, and i ended up going over to his house to watch general conference. i ended up falling asleep in his arms, which i loved because i always felt safe and loved. and then here's the part that just kills me as to how completely stupid i am...
while i was sleeping, i remember waking up and him kissing me. and it wasn't one of those "i want some action" kisses. no...it was one of those sweet, caring, beautiful ones. i THINK that i responded, but i was so tired that i was only half awake so i fell back asleep.
well after conference was over, i got a phone call from t. and he invited me over to his house to hang out, and m ended up being the one that dropped me off. and i couldn't figure out why m was acting so upset/angry. and when i asked him i got the "nothing, i'm fine" response. but at this point, i wasn't sure if i'd dreamed the kiss or something, and then add on top of that t was being SUPER flirty and sweet.
so basically i unintentionally ended up choosing t (complete jerk) over m (sweet guy).
i didn't realize this however, until i found m's blog. MAJOR props to me for THAT one by the way! i have to admit that i'm pretty proud of finding it without ANY help at all :) ha!
and in one of m's posts, it talks about one of the times we kissed. the third time actually... and it says that it felt different for him that time. that it was more then just enjoying it, and that he was going to suppress any feelings that might have been developing because i promised himself that he would never fall in love again. and that he'd never seen it coming....
well ever since the incident with my new roommate, we've gradually been drifting apart. and it sucks! things are not completely his fault though. i totally accept responsibility for letting this other person basically control my life and all of it's time. and m ended up getting the worst out of that decision, which i STILL feel terrible about.
but i think what REALLY was the last straw with things is when he started hanging out with this girl katie.
i. do. not. like. her. at. ALL!!! she really is NOT nice, she's a 2 faced bitch that needs an attitude adjustment. can she be nice? sure. i guess everybody has potential....
but she was m's friend, and so i had to try and keep an open mind when all i really wanted was to kill the damn slut. did he know how she was and that it was a fling? yes. but does that mean that she treated him well? hell to the fuck no. she treated him like shit, and was a complete bitch! HE'S EVEN SAID SO.
ugh. and she always gives me this attitude and i just want to slap it off her damn smug face. and one of the things that i tried to do, was give the benefit of a doubt for this girl. because m said that she really was different, and that once you "really get to know her, she's not the bitch that she generally comes off as"
ha.
bullshit. point 1 for heather, cuz she was right!
well tonight i had promised to go to the choir concert, but m texted me and wanted to watch a movie. and because i miss him so badly, and we haven't hung out or really talked (when i wasn't in tears) in forever i jumped at the chance! i was so excited!
we went over to his place, and i picked out a new movie that neither one of us had seen.... and then he mentioned that he had a tape of his senior year swim and wrestling stuff! and i've wanted to see him really wrestle for soooo long! and i had a BLAST watching him do what he loved, and he taught me some of the "wresting lingo/moves" and stuff , and it was just awesome!
we ended up putting in the movie a couple hours later, and just layed on the couch watching the movie... and he would tickle me and we were just goofing around, and it was just like old times :') i loved it.
well,
then he ended up going for the turn on spot...aka my hips. and he was teasing me, and i didn't know what to do because i was happy and it'd been forever since he'd even touched me. i mean, i'd get an occasional hug...but for some reason it was like i had the plague. he didn't have a problem being physical with any of my roommates though when he would come over, and i have to admit that it hurt and i was really jealous.
so i didn't fight him that much, even though i know that it's stupid to even hope for anything, because i know that he likes this other pretty redhead. fml.
anyways,
it got to the point where i told him not to start anything that he didn't want, because i wanted to kiss him. and he was being all funny and i couldn't tell what he wanted! so i asked him. and i think that i confused him....idk.
well it was that moment that i really realized that i hadn't had a guy be close to me that didn't want something in FOREVER.... since m "back in the day"
because if it's joel giving me a massage, or t wanting to "talk", or bryan wanting to rebound, or wes being horny....every guy that i've let get close to me has only wanted a piece of ass.
and when i fully realized this, i freaking got all emotional because i realized that m didn't want anything other then to have fun (i think). and it hurt. and it just kinda brought back all of those bad decisions with t and everything... and i started effing crying. I HATE CRYING!!!! ugh
well i tried to hide that i was crying, and i actually did "ok" at hiding it for a good, idk 5 mins...? until i let out a little sniffle, and m totally called me out on it.
and then he told me to talk to him, and i tried to....i told him about how guys always wanted something if they got close to me.... but there was NO way that i could just tell him everything that i'd been feeling....even thought i wanted to soooo badly.
and i brought up the kiss over general conference weekend, and asked him if he'd actually kissed me, or if i had been just dreaming. and he said that he didn't remember.
but i just have this feeling that it was real, and that i didn't imagine it...
i wish that i could tell him everything that i've been thinking and feeling.... it's so frustrating that i find it so hard to let people in emotionally. it's one of the things that i can't stand about myself. and trust me, that list of things i can't stand about me is pretty long, but i think that's in the top 3.
to me, crying and showing emotions is weak. i hate being weak.
but lately, i feel like all i've been is weak, undesirable, confused, and depressed.
help....
m, i miss you and i want you back.
love always,
Heather
No comments:
Post a Comment