serious questions

so there have been some things going down that are giving me a lot to think about.

why is it that every guy friend i have seems to disappear? i don't understand what's so bad about me.  like i try to help and whatever, and if there's a problem it's just my personality to try and solve it.

there are some friends that i've always been able to talk to. but now suddenly that's changed.

now there's one of them that i can kinda understand, and that IS partially my fault because i keep hooking up with him. my bad.

but the other one was like my brother. and we don't talk anymore. and it really hurts when he goes to give my roommate a hug first. and i know that part of it is that i'm jealous. but i honestly don't know what i did wrong.... and when i asked him what happened he told me that it was mostly him, but that part of it was that i would get jealous when he would talk about other girls.

now here's the thing, the reason i would get jealous is because i was battling feelings for him. so of course i'm going to get jealous.  but i must say that i've been a LOT better about it. but things haven't really changed.

and i realize that i'm a dumb girl. and i apologize for that.... but i just wish things could go back to how they were. when he wasn't afraid to just hold me and comfort me. he was a big part of my foundation.... i could go to him with anything. and he's really smart and has legit views on things...he makes sense.

maybe i leaned on him too much? maybe i drove him away.  i almost wish that i'd never kissed him. maybe THAT's what messed things up.  but everything seemed to be ok until his friend "k" showed up.  i don't really understand that, but whatever. and it kinda makes me not like her, even though i never really liked her in the first place, but trust me i've been trying to be very open-minded about her.

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and what makes me so horrible to date? i don't understand how guys can just hit it and quit it... i have never even kissed a guy that i didn't at least have SOME feelings for.....

and then there's this one guy that i have kept coming back to for 2 years.  and it was pointed out to me that the only reason that i like him is because he supplies hook-ups. and i kinda disagree with this. i liked him when we were just friends and could talk about anything. and when i can't talk to him, it sucks.... and i just feel like i have no one.
this is the most alone that i have felt in a LONG time. and i'm not really sure how to fix it.

i realize that i'm not perfect. but i'm tired of being treated like a whore. why can't i ever have a say in this relationship THING?! do i ever get to call HIM for a hook up? why the hell not?! at least make this fair you bastard.