Happy New Year?

well 2011 is here now...
everyone is all psyched that it's a new year, a new start, time to make changes, time to have better luck, time for life to get better....

but does time passing make life better? or is this just wishful thinking....?

people put in more effort when it's the beginning of the year, they stick to their new diet, or exercise routine, new job, new attitude, new friends and goals.... but what happens when the high of the ball dropping (haha) dies down? people give up. and all of those new things go out the window. like it never even happened.

that's what happened to me last year. i thought that 2010 was going to be great! i'd just had an awesome time in vegas, i was dating a guy who treated me right, and i thought that i knew what i wanted in life.

but just look how i'm starting 2011.  single, tired, worried, stressed over school, worrying about my roommates and just hoping that this semester will be at least a little bit better.  things really sucked this fall.  i love my roommates, they're awesome :) things can be like, strained sometimes...but they really are awesome girls and both have taught me a lot. i worry about them though. like, what kind of person am i being? am i being a good enough friend? am i there for them? do they know how much i really care? cuz i care a LOT... and i don't want to drag them down. and i kinda feel like that's what i did this fall... now i know that you can't save people from getting hurt, but i'm the kinda person who likes to fix things.

i haven't done such a good job of fixing myself though.  and if i've done this to myself, maybe i'm not helping the people i love, but actually making things worse?

and that guy i was dating a year ago? things fell apart. and i think that it was my fault.  but the problem is that i don't really understand what i keep doing wrong.  i've driven away every guy that's been important in my life.  Tommy won't talk to me anymore and i don't know why.  Mitch doesn't really talk to me anymore and that really sucks.  and Justin and i don't talk, and now i almost try to avoid him. and Tony is in iceland serving a mission and so i don't really get to talk to him.  i haven't gotten a letter in a while, and i hate feeling needy.  but i absolutely LOVE that he's on a mission, cuz he loves it there and it's really important to him and to God.

the thing is, that i feel like i'm always getting hurt, but i don't know what to stop doing. cuz it's not like i can just stop caring. ha. i've tried....

i just want this new year not to suck so much.  i don't want to be angry, and stressed, and lied to, and lead on, and i don't want to feel stuck or like i'm just waiting for things to get better and they never will.  i'm so sick of things not going right.
i think that now that i have a new major things will be more fun in life. it'll still be a lot of hard work, and i think that i'm ready for the change.
i just want to feel like i'm not stuck anymore, and that i'm actually being successful.

and i know that i'm not really talking to anyone on this thing, cuz no one actually will read or like comment haahahaha but i guess it makes me feel better to have my own space where i can speak exactly what is on my mind. lol i never really understood why people had blogs until i actually made one.... but i guess it's like a faster version of a diary.

i've had a lot of friends get married or engaged lately. am i jealous of them? well yeah, they've found someone that is perfect for them. that loves them.  like, REAL love.
and i want to find that. right now? no, probably not. but i want to live my life, in a way that will make it so that when i finally find what i'm looking for, i'll know.  because if i'm too stressed out, or distracted....i'm afraid that i'll miss it.

and what if that's my only chance?

so will this be a happy new year??? i sure hope so.... but at least now i've learned, that I'M the only one that can make it a happy and successful year.