well the holiday season has come and gone.... which is kinda funny because i don't really feel like i had a holiday. because aside from the week that i was able to spend in tucson with my family, i just worked and worked and worked.
and work can be super fun, don't get me wrong, but when it's all that you do and you don't really have friends it can be rough.
i used to be this super social person and have tons of friends and fun stuff to do all the time. now it seems like all i do is school, a full time job, and sleep. which is BORING! work is the most fun that i have all day. and THAT'S only because i work in the psych unit at work. lol those guy definitely can make me laugh :)
i love the residents that i help at my care facility. and i'm happy to say that i'm still one of those cna's that cares and really feels for the people that i take care of. i NEVER want to become one of those heartless and job-focused people. it's not who i am and those people drive me craaaazzzzyyyyyyy!!!!
anyways,
i'm feeling kinda depressed lately because of my lack of social life. and the fact that i'm trying so hard so save money for a car and all of these other stupid expenses keep getting in the way! school, textbooks, a new laptop (so that i can do my online classes with out worrying if my computer is going to crash in the middle of a paper or exam)..... ugh.
my home-teachers (who are awesome by the way) came over on sunday, and i have to admit that it was the highlight of my week! they talked about pres. monson's lessons on the ABCs. having a positive Attitude, Believing, and Courage. and i think that the one i have under control would be attitude. if you had asked me about 6 months ago what i thought i probably would have said courage. but i don't really know what's changed.....hmmmm
another reason i'm so anxious to get a car, is because i want to be able to go visit my grandpa's grave. and i don't want anyone else there. i REALLY want to go by myself.... i got a blessing from my bishop a couple weeks ago, and i feel like he talked about my grandpa a lot. and about how he's here for me.
it's different living here without him in the house. it definitely feels like somethings missing. and i'm so sad that i was stuck in alaska when he passed. and i'm extremely grateful that i was able to fly down for the funeral. i miss him.
between that and my lack of social life, i just feel really alone. i don't hang out with anyone....i feel like i don't have fun anymore.
new year? hmmm. this doesn't feel much different.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Friday, October 14, 2011
ok. so have you ever had one of those moments when you're like "SHIT! what do i do?!?!" yeah.... story of my life for the last 24 hours....
fun times... rooftops and college campus.... watching drunk people... talking to a friend from high school... and a security guard kicking me out of a courtyard for sitting on a bench wrong....hahahahahahahaha
and then stuff just happens. and you go with it. next thing you know it's morning and you're trying not to speed all the way home. pull in the drive, and you think you've been sneaky until you get asked "why are you up so early??" crap. if you know me AT ALL you know that i am not a morning person. and to have me be awake at 6am is NOT normal if i have a choice....
now there's like this trust issue, and i have to pretend like everything's ok. i don't know who to talk to about this...cuz i need to talk this out. WHERE'S SHELBY?!!?!?!??!?!?!?! oh yeah. utah. :/
and now i don't know what to say to my friend from high school.... shit. i don't want this to be awkward but i'm making it awkward! i mean, WHAT DO YOU SAY?!?!
and this whole experience reminds me of my trip to thatcher and the little episode at the county fair. where again, i don't want it to be awkward but i'm unsure how to react to people (specific person) and that kinda stuff. UGH i'm so frustrated with myself....
where's mitch? :(
fun times... rooftops and college campus.... watching drunk people... talking to a friend from high school... and a security guard kicking me out of a courtyard for sitting on a bench wrong....hahahahahahahaha
and then stuff just happens. and you go with it. next thing you know it's morning and you're trying not to speed all the way home. pull in the drive, and you think you've been sneaky until you get asked "why are you up so early??" crap. if you know me AT ALL you know that i am not a morning person. and to have me be awake at 6am is NOT normal if i have a choice....
now there's like this trust issue, and i have to pretend like everything's ok. i don't know who to talk to about this...cuz i need to talk this out. WHERE'S SHELBY?!!?!?!??!?!?!?! oh yeah. utah. :/
and now i don't know what to say to my friend from high school.... shit. i don't want this to be awkward but i'm making it awkward! i mean, WHAT DO YOU SAY?!?!
and this whole experience reminds me of my trip to thatcher and the little episode at the county fair. where again, i don't want it to be awkward but i'm unsure how to react to people (specific person) and that kinda stuff. UGH i'm so frustrated with myself....
where's mitch? :(
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
i hurt, i heal..... (you jerk)
why are we so afraid of love?
people always make jokes about mormons and how they get married young and have short engagements and all that jazz. but really, isn't that kinda a good thing?
either you know it's right, or you don't. and the unknown is what scares people.
now. i'm not one of those girls who will know someone for a month, get engaged for another month and get married. that's not my style. i actually want to know the person that i will tie myself to for eternity, better than i could know them in only a couple of months.
and this last summer, i had a wonderful person start to show me how to have a REAL, fun, functional relationship. he taught me how to feel more emotion when dating someone. how to trust.
and i still have problems with my self confidence, trust, jealousy, and being scared to be in a relationship that might actually go somewhere.... but at least i have more self respect. so thank you zach.
i'm scared of marriage. that's right, i said it! because falling in love and getting married is the great unknown for me.
but i do want that person. that one person that will love me forever as much as i love him. i want to wake up everyday grateful to be laying next to the man that will be with me for eternity. i want to fall more in love with my husband each day. i want to grow old in love, have fun, have adventures, have a family....
i'm moving to provo, utah. and people tend to get married in that particular city......a lot....
and i am NOT moving there to get married. because quite honestly i'm not ready. i have discovered more about myself in the last year, then i have in my entire life. and i think there's more to learn. and i want a career. a good one.... and i am ready to put in the effort,
i'm scared as hell. are you kidding?! who wouldn't be afraid to be making a big move, a state away from "home", making sure that everything is lined up for school. getting ready to grow up, and attend a real university..... and making sure that the major/program that i've picked will lead me to a career that i love doing each day.
i want adventures....hence my summer in Alaska
i want to go to school....my cna course starts november 1st
i want a career.....i want to go to WSU
i want to fall in love.........................................hahaha yeah we'll see how that works out ;)
i love my friends here in tucson, and i will miss my family SO MUCH. but i need to move on, and i need to get out there in the world and figure myself out.
i am not sheltered anymore.
i need to stop being angry. i'm hurting, but i'm healing.
i really care about you. and even though you may not care about me, i will be ok. i don't need to talk to you, and quite frankly i don't need you. i have grown stronger because of all the hell you have put me through. so thank you for being a jerk i guess....haha
it's my time. i will win. and no one will stand in the way of me accomplishing my goals. TAKE THAT! have fun being stuck in thatcher......
people always make jokes about mormons and how they get married young and have short engagements and all that jazz. but really, isn't that kinda a good thing?
either you know it's right, or you don't. and the unknown is what scares people.
now. i'm not one of those girls who will know someone for a month, get engaged for another month and get married. that's not my style. i actually want to know the person that i will tie myself to for eternity, better than i could know them in only a couple of months.
and this last summer, i had a wonderful person start to show me how to have a REAL, fun, functional relationship. he taught me how to feel more emotion when dating someone. how to trust.
and i still have problems with my self confidence, trust, jealousy, and being scared to be in a relationship that might actually go somewhere.... but at least i have more self respect. so thank you zach.
i'm scared of marriage. that's right, i said it! because falling in love and getting married is the great unknown for me.
but i do want that person. that one person that will love me forever as much as i love him. i want to wake up everyday grateful to be laying next to the man that will be with me for eternity. i want to fall more in love with my husband each day. i want to grow old in love, have fun, have adventures, have a family....
i'm moving to provo, utah. and people tend to get married in that particular city......a lot....
and i am NOT moving there to get married. because quite honestly i'm not ready. i have discovered more about myself in the last year, then i have in my entire life. and i think there's more to learn. and i want a career. a good one.... and i am ready to put in the effort,
i'm scared as hell. are you kidding?! who wouldn't be afraid to be making a big move, a state away from "home", making sure that everything is lined up for school. getting ready to grow up, and attend a real university..... and making sure that the major/program that i've picked will lead me to a career that i love doing each day.
i want adventures....hence my summer in Alaska
i want to go to school....my cna course starts november 1st
i want a career.....i want to go to WSU
i want to fall in love.........................................hahaha yeah we'll see how that works out ;)
i love my friends here in tucson, and i will miss my family SO MUCH. but i need to move on, and i need to get out there in the world and figure myself out.
i am not sheltered anymore.
i need to stop being angry. i'm hurting, but i'm healing.
i really care about you. and even though you may not care about me, i will be ok. i don't need to talk to you, and quite frankly i don't need you. i have grown stronger because of all the hell you have put me through. so thank you for being a jerk i guess....haha
it's my time. i will win. and no one will stand in the way of me accomplishing my goals. TAKE THAT! have fun being stuck in thatcher......
Monday, August 29, 2011
interesting...
i find it interesting how my life has changed. how i have changed a lot with it.
i look back at my previous posts, and i realize that i was kinda depressed. and i stopped writing for a while, well since april the semester has ended and i have moved to alaska for the summer. random i know, but i needed to get away from arizona and break some ties.
and i am so glad that i broke them. i am a better person because of it actually. which actually makes me kinda sad, but i'm honestly not that torn up about it.
this summer has been hard. so far away from everyone except for shelby, who keeps me sane, and i've had a lot of tough lessons to learn.
i lost my grandfather this summer, and that was really hard. i had to learn how to cope with death for the first time. and i think that was because this was the first death of someone that was really close to me. and i have discovered that i don't cope very well. with pretty much anything emotional, but at least i'm learning right?! :)
my mother has also been in the hospital a lot lately. and that was tough being so far away and unable to help or do ANYTHING and not really knowing what was going on was the hardest part i think....
but she's doing better now so it's ok
now. i was actually in a relationship this summer! shocker right?! hahaha
his name was Zach. and he taught me so much about faith. and about how to deal with different trials and tests in life. and he doesn't realize it, but he really taught me a lot about how to be in a relationship. he was the first return missionary that i've dated. and i realized that it's hard to date someone that is actually doing what's right in their life! and that potential marriage scares me. which, is understandable. but i think that it was good for me to date someone that actually would think about the future, in an eternal perspective and not just drifting from day to day.
i mean, think about who i've dated the last 2 years..... ha. yeah....
he taught me how to care about someone without feeling like i had to carry them upwards. i usually feel like i have to support and carry people through everything in life. and he was the first one that was actually taking care of ME! and it felt nice for a change. and i have learned a lot. so thank you zachary :)
oh. and did i mention one of the best parts of my summer?? MY BEST FRIEND GOT BACK FROM HIS MISSION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and i am so happy! i actually have talked to him on the phone, heard his voice, heard more about iceland.... the only sad part is that he'll be back in idaho before i'll be back in arizona! :( which is actually quite sad, but it's ok! it's not like i won't see him at christmas right?! interesting fact: i told him that i was so excited and that i had missed him A LOT on the phone when he first called me. and he asked "why?" ummmmmm.....because you're my best friend silly! we used to hang out and talk all. the. time.!! of course i missed you like crazy! and i wrote you CONSTANTLY! lol that should have been a good indication. also, the fact that i was almost in tears when you called me was a pretty clear indication that i missed you :)
anyways,
i saw the northern lights for the first time last night. and it was AMAZING! in it's kinda funny that it gave me a new outlook on life, and a new hope. and i'm so grateful for that! i feel so much better about my summer! like maybe this wasn't all a waste, and that i'm not a complete screw up.
yay!
:)
life is good. i miss going to school (it feels weird hearing about everyone else starting school and i'm still working). i'm staying positive!
:)
i look back at my previous posts, and i realize that i was kinda depressed. and i stopped writing for a while, well since april the semester has ended and i have moved to alaska for the summer. random i know, but i needed to get away from arizona and break some ties.
and i am so glad that i broke them. i am a better person because of it actually. which actually makes me kinda sad, but i'm honestly not that torn up about it.
this summer has been hard. so far away from everyone except for shelby, who keeps me sane, and i've had a lot of tough lessons to learn.
i lost my grandfather this summer, and that was really hard. i had to learn how to cope with death for the first time. and i think that was because this was the first death of someone that was really close to me. and i have discovered that i don't cope very well. with pretty much anything emotional, but at least i'm learning right?! :)
my mother has also been in the hospital a lot lately. and that was tough being so far away and unable to help or do ANYTHING and not really knowing what was going on was the hardest part i think....
but she's doing better now so it's ok
now. i was actually in a relationship this summer! shocker right?! hahaha
his name was Zach. and he taught me so much about faith. and about how to deal with different trials and tests in life. and he doesn't realize it, but he really taught me a lot about how to be in a relationship. he was the first return missionary that i've dated. and i realized that it's hard to date someone that is actually doing what's right in their life! and that potential marriage scares me. which, is understandable. but i think that it was good for me to date someone that actually would think about the future, in an eternal perspective and not just drifting from day to day.
i mean, think about who i've dated the last 2 years..... ha. yeah....
he taught me how to care about someone without feeling like i had to carry them upwards. i usually feel like i have to support and carry people through everything in life. and he was the first one that was actually taking care of ME! and it felt nice for a change. and i have learned a lot. so thank you zachary :)
oh. and did i mention one of the best parts of my summer?? MY BEST FRIEND GOT BACK FROM HIS MISSION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and i am so happy! i actually have talked to him on the phone, heard his voice, heard more about iceland.... the only sad part is that he'll be back in idaho before i'll be back in arizona! :( which is actually quite sad, but it's ok! it's not like i won't see him at christmas right?! interesting fact: i told him that i was so excited and that i had missed him A LOT on the phone when he first called me. and he asked "why?" ummmmmm.....because you're my best friend silly! we used to hang out and talk all. the. time.!! of course i missed you like crazy! and i wrote you CONSTANTLY! lol that should have been a good indication. also, the fact that i was almost in tears when you called me was a pretty clear indication that i missed you :)
anyways,
i saw the northern lights for the first time last night. and it was AMAZING! in it's kinda funny that it gave me a new outlook on life, and a new hope. and i'm so grateful for that! i feel so much better about my summer! like maybe this wasn't all a waste, and that i'm not a complete screw up.
yay!
:)
life is good. i miss going to school (it feels weird hearing about everyone else starting school and i'm still working). i'm staying positive!
:)
Saturday, April 30, 2011
I wish that i could formulate my thoughts and feelings into words
i have this amazing friend. i will call him m.
m and i have been friends for a while now. and we have been through a lot together.
and over the past year, i have been VERY confused as to what my feelings are for him. i love hearing just about how his day went, or something funny that happened, watching a movie together, when he tickles me to death, when he teases me, when he laughs at my blonde moments, when he holds me when i cry, and even when he's calling me a dumb girl.
we were friends for about a year before the summer of 2010 came, and there had been a build up of sexual tension between us. and i didn't know what to do about it, so i figured that i'd let him kinda take the lead and then go with the flow. i was starting to have "more then a friend" feelings about him. well, he invited me over to watch a movie near the end-ish part of the summer (ice age 3), and we ended up kissing. i liked it, a lot.
but you see....
there was this problem.... there was another girl. i knew that he liked her, and i wanted him to be happy. and originally i liked them together a lot, until things changed. the biggest part of this problem was that i KNEW that i didn't stand a chance against her. she was gorgeous, spoke spanish, had this kick-ass attitude, the confidence, the fashion sense, the flexibility and grace, sense of humor, fun personality, and was just generally an awesome person.
knowing that i didn't have a snowball's chance in hell, and the fact that i REALLY didn't want to lose the awesome brother-sister/best friend relationship that we had....i let it go. i wanted him to be happy, and if she could make him happier then i could, then they should totally be together right?
then the semester started. and i had a new roommate move in, this girl who had graduated early. and i got that rebellious, and to be totally honest skank vibe from her. i was right, and she had even admitted to it before the first day she moved in was over. so i asked m if he could PLEASE not go after her or hook up with her or whatever. and he promised that he wouldn't. and to be completely honest i told her to back off too...
now, i understand that things happen. and they did. and i know that he did feel bad about breaking that promise. but it hurt so badly....not only the broken promises, but not only had i lost him to the girl over the summer but to my new roommate too! the dumb bitch knew the situation, obviously she didn't really get it though because of the shit that went down. (this is why high school students shouldn't graduate early)
the year continues, and because i had basically given up on having any sort of chance, i decided to let another guy (i'll call him t) into my heart. he was being sweet, and he knew what to say, and i was confused and i felt like a freaking ping pong ball going back and forth trying to figure out who i had feelings for.
at this point me and m were still hanging out quite a bit, and i ended up going over to his house to watch general conference. i ended up falling asleep in his arms, which i loved because i always felt safe and loved. and then here's the part that just kills me as to how completely stupid i am...
while i was sleeping, i remember waking up and him kissing me. and it wasn't one of those "i want some action" kisses. no...it was one of those sweet, caring, beautiful ones. i THINK that i responded, but i was so tired that i was only half awake so i fell back asleep.
well after conference was over, i got a phone call from t. and he invited me over to his house to hang out, and m ended up being the one that dropped me off. and i couldn't figure out why m was acting so upset/angry. and when i asked him i got the "nothing, i'm fine" response. but at this point, i wasn't sure if i'd dreamed the kiss or something, and then add on top of that t was being SUPER flirty and sweet.
so basically i unintentionally ended up choosing t (complete jerk) over m (sweet guy).
i didn't realize this however, until i found m's blog. MAJOR props to me for THAT one by the way! i have to admit that i'm pretty proud of finding it without ANY help at all :) ha!
and in one of m's posts, it talks about one of the times we kissed. the third time actually... and it says that it felt different for him that time. that it was more then just enjoying it, and that he was going to suppress any feelings that might have been developing because i promised himself that he would never fall in love again. and that he'd never seen it coming....
well ever since the incident with my new roommate, we've gradually been drifting apart. and it sucks! things are not completely his fault though. i totally accept responsibility for letting this other person basically control my life and all of it's time. and m ended up getting the worst out of that decision, which i STILL feel terrible about.
but i think what REALLY was the last straw with things is when he started hanging out with this girl katie.
i. do. not. like. her. at. ALL!!! she really is NOT nice, she's a 2 faced bitch that needs an attitude adjustment. can she be nice? sure. i guess everybody has potential....
but she was m's friend, and so i had to try and keep an open mind when all i really wanted was to kill the damn slut. did he know how she was and that it was a fling? yes. but does that mean that she treated him well? hell to the fuck no. she treated him like shit, and was a complete bitch! HE'S EVEN SAID SO.
ugh. and she always gives me this attitude and i just want to slap it off her damn smug face. and one of the things that i tried to do, was give the benefit of a doubt for this girl. because m said that she really was different, and that once you "really get to know her, she's not the bitch that she generally comes off as"
ha.
bullshit. point 1 for heather, cuz she was right!
well tonight i had promised to go to the choir concert, but m texted me and wanted to watch a movie. and because i miss him so badly, and we haven't hung out or really talked (when i wasn't in tears) in forever i jumped at the chance! i was so excited!
we went over to his place, and i picked out a new movie that neither one of us had seen.... and then he mentioned that he had a tape of his senior year swim and wrestling stuff! and i've wanted to see him really wrestle for soooo long! and i had a BLAST watching him do what he loved, and he taught me some of the "wresting lingo/moves" and stuff , and it was just awesome!
we ended up putting in the movie a couple hours later, and just layed on the couch watching the movie... and he would tickle me and we were just goofing around, and it was just like old times :') i loved it.
well,
then he ended up going for the turn on spot...aka my hips. and he was teasing me, and i didn't know what to do because i was happy and it'd been forever since he'd even touched me. i mean, i'd get an occasional hug...but for some reason it was like i had the plague. he didn't have a problem being physical with any of my roommates though when he would come over, and i have to admit that it hurt and i was really jealous.
so i didn't fight him that much, even though i know that it's stupid to even hope for anything, because i know that he likes this other pretty redhead. fml.
anyways,
it got to the point where i told him not to start anything that he didn't want, because i wanted to kiss him. and he was being all funny and i couldn't tell what he wanted! so i asked him. and i think that i confused him....idk.
well it was that moment that i really realized that i hadn't had a guy be close to me that didn't want something in FOREVER.... since m "back in the day"
because if it's joel giving me a massage, or t wanting to "talk", or bryan wanting to rebound, or wes being horny....every guy that i've let get close to me has only wanted a piece of ass.
and when i fully realized this, i freaking got all emotional because i realized that m didn't want anything other then to have fun (i think). and it hurt. and it just kinda brought back all of those bad decisions with t and everything... and i started effing crying. I HATE CRYING!!!! ugh
well i tried to hide that i was crying, and i actually did "ok" at hiding it for a good, idk 5 mins...? until i let out a little sniffle, and m totally called me out on it.
and then he told me to talk to him, and i tried to....i told him about how guys always wanted something if they got close to me.... but there was NO way that i could just tell him everything that i'd been feeling....even thought i wanted to soooo badly.
and i brought up the kiss over general conference weekend, and asked him if he'd actually kissed me, or if i had been just dreaming. and he said that he didn't remember.
but i just have this feeling that it was real, and that i didn't imagine it...
i wish that i could tell him everything that i've been thinking and feeling.... it's so frustrating that i find it so hard to let people in emotionally. it's one of the things that i can't stand about myself. and trust me, that list of things i can't stand about me is pretty long, but i think that's in the top 3.
to me, crying and showing emotions is weak. i hate being weak.
but lately, i feel like all i've been is weak, undesirable, confused, and depressed.
help....
m, i miss you and i want you back.
love always,
Heather
m and i have been friends for a while now. and we have been through a lot together.
and over the past year, i have been VERY confused as to what my feelings are for him. i love hearing just about how his day went, or something funny that happened, watching a movie together, when he tickles me to death, when he teases me, when he laughs at my blonde moments, when he holds me when i cry, and even when he's calling me a dumb girl.
we were friends for about a year before the summer of 2010 came, and there had been a build up of sexual tension between us. and i didn't know what to do about it, so i figured that i'd let him kinda take the lead and then go with the flow. i was starting to have "more then a friend" feelings about him. well, he invited me over to watch a movie near the end-ish part of the summer (ice age 3), and we ended up kissing. i liked it, a lot.
but you see....
there was this problem.... there was another girl. i knew that he liked her, and i wanted him to be happy. and originally i liked them together a lot, until things changed. the biggest part of this problem was that i KNEW that i didn't stand a chance against her. she was gorgeous, spoke spanish, had this kick-ass attitude, the confidence, the fashion sense, the flexibility and grace, sense of humor, fun personality, and was just generally an awesome person.
knowing that i didn't have a snowball's chance in hell, and the fact that i REALLY didn't want to lose the awesome brother-sister/best friend relationship that we had....i let it go. i wanted him to be happy, and if she could make him happier then i could, then they should totally be together right?
then the semester started. and i had a new roommate move in, this girl who had graduated early. and i got that rebellious, and to be totally honest skank vibe from her. i was right, and she had even admitted to it before the first day she moved in was over. so i asked m if he could PLEASE not go after her or hook up with her or whatever. and he promised that he wouldn't. and to be completely honest i told her to back off too...
now, i understand that things happen. and they did. and i know that he did feel bad about breaking that promise. but it hurt so badly....not only the broken promises, but not only had i lost him to the girl over the summer but to my new roommate too! the dumb bitch knew the situation, obviously she didn't really get it though because of the shit that went down. (this is why high school students shouldn't graduate early)
the year continues, and because i had basically given up on having any sort of chance, i decided to let another guy (i'll call him t) into my heart. he was being sweet, and he knew what to say, and i was confused and i felt like a freaking ping pong ball going back and forth trying to figure out who i had feelings for.
at this point me and m were still hanging out quite a bit, and i ended up going over to his house to watch general conference. i ended up falling asleep in his arms, which i loved because i always felt safe and loved. and then here's the part that just kills me as to how completely stupid i am...
while i was sleeping, i remember waking up and him kissing me. and it wasn't one of those "i want some action" kisses. no...it was one of those sweet, caring, beautiful ones. i THINK that i responded, but i was so tired that i was only half awake so i fell back asleep.
well after conference was over, i got a phone call from t. and he invited me over to his house to hang out, and m ended up being the one that dropped me off. and i couldn't figure out why m was acting so upset/angry. and when i asked him i got the "nothing, i'm fine" response. but at this point, i wasn't sure if i'd dreamed the kiss or something, and then add on top of that t was being SUPER flirty and sweet.
so basically i unintentionally ended up choosing t (complete jerk) over m (sweet guy).
i didn't realize this however, until i found m's blog. MAJOR props to me for THAT one by the way! i have to admit that i'm pretty proud of finding it without ANY help at all :) ha!
and in one of m's posts, it talks about one of the times we kissed. the third time actually... and it says that it felt different for him that time. that it was more then just enjoying it, and that he was going to suppress any feelings that might have been developing because i promised himself that he would never fall in love again. and that he'd never seen it coming....
well ever since the incident with my new roommate, we've gradually been drifting apart. and it sucks! things are not completely his fault though. i totally accept responsibility for letting this other person basically control my life and all of it's time. and m ended up getting the worst out of that decision, which i STILL feel terrible about.
but i think what REALLY was the last straw with things is when he started hanging out with this girl katie.
i. do. not. like. her. at. ALL!!! she really is NOT nice, she's a 2 faced bitch that needs an attitude adjustment. can she be nice? sure. i guess everybody has potential....
but she was m's friend, and so i had to try and keep an open mind when all i really wanted was to kill the damn slut. did he know how she was and that it was a fling? yes. but does that mean that she treated him well? hell to the fuck no. she treated him like shit, and was a complete bitch! HE'S EVEN SAID SO.
ugh. and she always gives me this attitude and i just want to slap it off her damn smug face. and one of the things that i tried to do, was give the benefit of a doubt for this girl. because m said that she really was different, and that once you "really get to know her, she's not the bitch that she generally comes off as"
ha.
bullshit. point 1 for heather, cuz she was right!
well tonight i had promised to go to the choir concert, but m texted me and wanted to watch a movie. and because i miss him so badly, and we haven't hung out or really talked (when i wasn't in tears) in forever i jumped at the chance! i was so excited!
we went over to his place, and i picked out a new movie that neither one of us had seen.... and then he mentioned that he had a tape of his senior year swim and wrestling stuff! and i've wanted to see him really wrestle for soooo long! and i had a BLAST watching him do what he loved, and he taught me some of the "wresting lingo/moves" and stuff , and it was just awesome!
we ended up putting in the movie a couple hours later, and just layed on the couch watching the movie... and he would tickle me and we were just goofing around, and it was just like old times :') i loved it.
well,
then he ended up going for the turn on spot...aka my hips. and he was teasing me, and i didn't know what to do because i was happy and it'd been forever since he'd even touched me. i mean, i'd get an occasional hug...but for some reason it was like i had the plague. he didn't have a problem being physical with any of my roommates though when he would come over, and i have to admit that it hurt and i was really jealous.
so i didn't fight him that much, even though i know that it's stupid to even hope for anything, because i know that he likes this other pretty redhead. fml.
anyways,
it got to the point where i told him not to start anything that he didn't want, because i wanted to kiss him. and he was being all funny and i couldn't tell what he wanted! so i asked him. and i think that i confused him....idk.
well it was that moment that i really realized that i hadn't had a guy be close to me that didn't want something in FOREVER.... since m "back in the day"
because if it's joel giving me a massage, or t wanting to "talk", or bryan wanting to rebound, or wes being horny....every guy that i've let get close to me has only wanted a piece of ass.
and when i fully realized this, i freaking got all emotional because i realized that m didn't want anything other then to have fun (i think). and it hurt. and it just kinda brought back all of those bad decisions with t and everything... and i started effing crying. I HATE CRYING!!!! ugh
well i tried to hide that i was crying, and i actually did "ok" at hiding it for a good, idk 5 mins...? until i let out a little sniffle, and m totally called me out on it.
and then he told me to talk to him, and i tried to....i told him about how guys always wanted something if they got close to me.... but there was NO way that i could just tell him everything that i'd been feeling....even thought i wanted to soooo badly.
and i brought up the kiss over general conference weekend, and asked him if he'd actually kissed me, or if i had been just dreaming. and he said that he didn't remember.
but i just have this feeling that it was real, and that i didn't imagine it...
i wish that i could tell him everything that i've been thinking and feeling.... it's so frustrating that i find it so hard to let people in emotionally. it's one of the things that i can't stand about myself. and trust me, that list of things i can't stand about me is pretty long, but i think that's in the top 3.
to me, crying and showing emotions is weak. i hate being weak.
but lately, i feel like all i've been is weak, undesirable, confused, and depressed.
help....
m, i miss you and i want you back.
love always,
Heather
Monday, April 18, 2011
You dull my mind and ensnare the senses...
Struggling to break free
i'm trapped, but the thing that makes it worse, is that i can't see
Tears have blinded me, and they never cease to fall
But my hands are tied, and i can't wipe you away to clear my vision.
The loss of one, gives me super-powers for my other senses
The touch sends shudders through my body.
i can't think
my breath comes in gasps
I hear the moan, and the sound goes straight to my heart
Nails scrape on fabric, the scream comes from the cloth instead of through my lips
my Heart is pounding almost through my chest.
i think you can hear it too, the rhythm is thrown off and the melody has changed.
nothing is consonant, all there is is dissonance in the sound.
The taste is unexpected.
Mostly sweet.
Not what i thought it was going to be like.
and the warmth fills my entire body as you try to gasp for air.
oxygen is in short supply.
but i have the feeling that you will get it all.
because no matter how hard i try,
you still steal my breath away.
i'm trapped, but the thing that makes it worse, is that i can't see
Tears have blinded me, and they never cease to fall
But my hands are tied, and i can't wipe you away to clear my vision.
The loss of one, gives me super-powers for my other senses
The touch sends shudders through my body.
i can't think
my breath comes in gasps
I hear the moan, and the sound goes straight to my heart
Nails scrape on fabric, the scream comes from the cloth instead of through my lips
my Heart is pounding almost through my chest.
i think you can hear it too, the rhythm is thrown off and the melody has changed.
nothing is consonant, all there is is dissonance in the sound.
The taste is unexpected.
Mostly sweet.
Not what i thought it was going to be like.
and the warmth fills my entire body as you try to gasp for air.
oxygen is in short supply.
but i have the feeling that you will get it all.
because no matter how hard i try,
you still steal my breath away.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
oh the funny moments...
awesome things are going on.... and then we've got the rest.
however i noticed that i'm negative a lot on this thing, and even though i'm the only one that reads it....eh might as well try and be more positive!
so over spring break i went to the doctor for a check up and all that jazz.... and she decided to leave me a present on the table. she'd given me a little pile of condoms! hahaha and they came in these little boxes that were for "endangered species awareness" and one of my favorites was this one that says "HUMP SMARTER SAVE THE SNAIL DARTER!" apparently the snail darter is this little endangered fish, just in case you were wondering.... lol i laughed so hard!
on a different note, i am totally KICKING some SERIOUS @$$ in my medical terminology class! i mean i am getting like 96 and 97% on my tests! and i understand it, and i remember it even AFTER the test! and i finish all of the tests in 5 mins....literally.
things are going well with my roommates.....
i'm still the 5th wheel. which sucks.
So i have this friend, and i'm really worried about him. and me and this guy have known each other for a while now, and we have a bit of a history. but lately he hasn't really talked to me about anything, but i know that neither of us have been doing very well. and apparently he's taking up chewing tobacco. first of all, ew. but other then that, i wish that he would just talk to me. and i wish that i have the guts to talk to him about stuff that i've been thinking about a LOT lately.... and i think that if i actually told him, he might think i was being preachy. even though that's the LAST thing that i want to do....
i love him. i'm not IN love with him, but i care about what happens to him. and i want him to get what he wants out of life. and i want him to be happy, and find real joy.
i just wish that he would talk to me........
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