i listen, watch, and feel...as the world sleeps around me. alone....

walking on a tight rope, and i'm good at it
so high, i can touch the stars
and use the moon for light like it's daytime
dancing on that thin wire, free, smiling, loving
watching as the world sleeps

there's a snap
the once secured wire lashes out across my chest as i fall
and suddenly i'm falling faster then the blood can flow

time slows, and i look around.
familiar faces...each one different as i descend to earth
a pair of eyes watch me fall. like freezing ice
but a surprising shade of brown that captivates me as i'm flailing
a pair of hands reach out, but they don't really bother trying to catch me
a bruise appears, the shape of the hands

next a face attached with loving arms, reaches up
more strength this time, clawing to try to hold on and defy gravity
skin is lost, more blood now
but still i rocket to the ground

more faces more faces more faces....
they all pass.
every time more effort. but it just destroys me before the ground can have a chance
bones break
blood flows freely
pieces from my chest are lost.
from the left, where the vital organ lies.
or it did, before.....

the only pain i feel is from my chest wounds
my eyes are clear
my ears perfect
i can see, hear, and feel

release. i wish for it.
but i'm not ready
i'm not ready
i'm not ready
i can't let go, not yet.
where is he???

i see my last familiar face
my last chance.
hands touch
eyes meet
the world goes quiet
locked in a solid grip.
calming, reassuring, safe.
yet again brown eyes, but this time different.
different face, and nothing is frozen there
trust
hope
pray
believe, that he might save me.

i believe i believe i believe
i have to
i'm not ready for this to by my grande finale
i want to keep dancing.
the songs of my heart have not been heard!
and one hand was all it took to stop time

i force myself to break the eye contact.
i look down at my mangled body
it's gone.
all those pieces added up.
the hole is black, something so vital
i have nothing left to give

tears stream from my eyes and i look back up
i'm dangling from one hand
a beautiful, strong, confident one.
but i can't
i'm not sure if it's real.
what if the face is a ghost
the trust, the hope, the believing...
i let go
i let go of it all

horrified, the beautiful brown eyes watch
i love you
i love you
i love you
i'm sorry.

i make contact with the ground
i don't feel the pain anymore
the link to the pain is gone
replaced by a hole
the dust settles and fills it.

i am done

i lost.

was he a ghost? maybe.
but what if i chose to let go,
and i was wrong?
it felt right to believe in him. it really did.
i think i was wrong.
i usually am.
and all i see is that loving face
with those brown wonderful eyes,
as i slip into my eternal slumber
i'm sorry.

oh yeah!!!

so i totally forgot that i was gonna post about my dream last night!

ok. so in my dream i was making a trip from Tucson back to Thatcher, and shelby was with me because we'd just gotten back from mexico and we had a blast! now. for some reason, i didn't ride in the car with shelby home... but i had bought an AWESOME blue crotch rocket in mexico for a screamin' deal!

so i drove around Thatcher, because we suddenly appeared there, and i looked so hott! lol :)
and for some reason, i was in black skinny jeans, a blue halter top, and this cute black leather jacket! talk about an awesome outfit!!! ;)

all the boys were jealous....cuz my motorcyle had BALLS!!! so fast.......


sigh, i wish that i actually had it.......

anyways, this is where my dream gets weird.....

for some reason, me and shelby kept having to kill these HUGE snakes, but we had to either shoot them, or kill them with these sword things.... shelby used the sword, and i had some awesome guns to shoot!  lol and we were GOOD AT IT! so shelby and i rocketed around on my motorcycle...defending thatcher from snakes.... lol they were poisonous by the way....

and then i woke up, and i had 2 more dreams...but we won't go into those..... because one of them is the nightmare that keeps coming back, and the other one is a new one dealing with a cruise to iceland.....

my life is like....wtf???

so wicked was AMAZING!!!!! :) the vocalists were awesome, the script was sooo funny, and i LOVE the way that it tied into "the wizard of oz" story! so so good!  and i absolutely LOVE the friend that took me to see it! and i am VERY grateful....he's the best!  it was even funny when he was making fun of me during the play lol because i would get VERY enthusiastic when clapping after every song, he'd mimic me hahaha and he'd laugh... but not in a mean way, so it's all good.

i saw the movie "IT" for the first time....wow. lame. long. boring. clowns that end up being aliens. and that's all you need to know lol :)

boys are still dumb, but i'm not being ignored anymore!!! :) yay!!!

i had the BEST day on tuesday.... i started ballet, which hurt like @#$% but was so much fun! i missed dance so much...it was a dark semester when i didn't have dance....

a friend that had been ignoring me for a LONG time finally talked to me, and it was really nice...i missed it

medical terminology was awesome too! i think that my professor is super cool! he's not one of those assholes who will keep you in a loooong class the whole 3 hours just because he can.

SPEAKING OF TEACHERS! i absolutely HATE my math teacher!!! he makes me so mad! i finished all of the homework for January on the FIRST DAY OF CLASS. and he KNOWS that i'm bored out of my mind, and yet he won't give me the homework in advance, so that i could at least work on SOMETHING! damn. what a DERP!

by the way derp= a clever combination of every insult you can imagine :)

and one other bad thing that happened. my ipod died. eff my life..........idk how i'm going to function now.... it's worked today so far...but it's been shutting off randomly and wont' turn on for a while

and the battery is charged so......

so there you go. so super good things, and some super bad.

hence the "wtf"

lol

First day

so the first day of classes went really well :) and guess what?! i'm not stressed out!!! :) and i actually kinda feel sorta happy.....

life is going pretty good...

OH!!! an AWESOME thing has happened! mitch is going to take me to see wicked this weekend!!!!!!! and i am so excited! :) :) :) i've wanted to see wicked live, for literally YEARS! totally stoked....

and i just found out that i got a letter from iceland today!!!!!! :D the only sad thing is that i have to wait for my mom to forward it to me :/ lol but i waited this long, i suppose a few days more of knowing for SURE that it's coming won't be too bad to handle :)

thatcher tomorrow!

new roommate plus the 2 awesome ones i've got! :) =exciting!

new bed= no squeaking! or rolling around! or falling off!!! (because of bed rolling)

new major= less stress and less complaining about life and music!

new haircut= less likely to randomly dye or cut or pierce something, as well as new mindset

new faith= probably more trials, but at least i know that i can get through it

new semester= new classes

8 am class= guarantees pajamas in that class pretty much everyday

new schedule= more time to utilize emotional outlets

new goals= happy heather

new start on life.....
sounds pretty good to me!!! i'm just glad that i have this chance :)

new summer? well. we'll just have to see won't we? ;) <3

Happy New Year?

well 2011 is here now...
everyone is all psyched that it's a new year, a new start, time to make changes, time to have better luck, time for life to get better....

but does time passing make life better? or is this just wishful thinking....?

people put in more effort when it's the beginning of the year, they stick to their new diet, or exercise routine, new job, new attitude, new friends and goals.... but what happens when the high of the ball dropping (haha) dies down? people give up. and all of those new things go out the window. like it never even happened.

that's what happened to me last year. i thought that 2010 was going to be great! i'd just had an awesome time in vegas, i was dating a guy who treated me right, and i thought that i knew what i wanted in life.

but just look how i'm starting 2011.  single, tired, worried, stressed over school, worrying about my roommates and just hoping that this semester will be at least a little bit better.  things really sucked this fall.  i love my roommates, they're awesome :) things can be like, strained sometimes...but they really are awesome girls and both have taught me a lot. i worry about them though. like, what kind of person am i being? am i being a good enough friend? am i there for them? do they know how much i really care? cuz i care a LOT... and i don't want to drag them down. and i kinda feel like that's what i did this fall... now i know that you can't save people from getting hurt, but i'm the kinda person who likes to fix things.

i haven't done such a good job of fixing myself though.  and if i've done this to myself, maybe i'm not helping the people i love, but actually making things worse?

and that guy i was dating a year ago? things fell apart. and i think that it was my fault.  but the problem is that i don't really understand what i keep doing wrong.  i've driven away every guy that's been important in my life.  Tommy won't talk to me anymore and i don't know why.  Mitch doesn't really talk to me anymore and that really sucks.  and Justin and i don't talk, and now i almost try to avoid him. and Tony is in iceland serving a mission and so i don't really get to talk to him.  i haven't gotten a letter in a while, and i hate feeling needy.  but i absolutely LOVE that he's on a mission, cuz he loves it there and it's really important to him and to God.

the thing is, that i feel like i'm always getting hurt, but i don't know what to stop doing. cuz it's not like i can just stop caring. ha. i've tried....

i just want this new year not to suck so much.  i don't want to be angry, and stressed, and lied to, and lead on, and i don't want to feel stuck or like i'm just waiting for things to get better and they never will.  i'm so sick of things not going right.
i think that now that i have a new major things will be more fun in life. it'll still be a lot of hard work, and i think that i'm ready for the change.
i just want to feel like i'm not stuck anymore, and that i'm actually being successful.

and i know that i'm not really talking to anyone on this thing, cuz no one actually will read or like comment haahahaha but i guess it makes me feel better to have my own space where i can speak exactly what is on my mind. lol i never really understood why people had blogs until i actually made one.... but i guess it's like a faster version of a diary.

i've had a lot of friends get married or engaged lately. am i jealous of them? well yeah, they've found someone that is perfect for them. that loves them.  like, REAL love.
and i want to find that. right now? no, probably not. but i want to live my life, in a way that will make it so that when i finally find what i'm looking for, i'll know.  because if i'm too stressed out, or distracted....i'm afraid that i'll miss it.

and what if that's my only chance?

so will this be a happy new year??? i sure hope so.... but at least now i've learned, that I'M the only one that can make it a happy and successful year.